


What patience is

by CractasticDispatches



Series: TVXQ Drabbles [2]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: First Times, M/M, also relationships are hard and confusing, but mostly Jaejoong is not patient, in fact we think this could even be called fluffy, or capable of watching his mouth, uh cuteness might about a bit here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 10:37:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4097833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CractasticDispatches/pseuds/CractasticDispatches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Jaejoong has eight sisters, all older than him, so really, he’s had a lifetime of practice and he thought he was pretty good at patience. But that was before Jung Yunho.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	What patience is

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the lovely [Damkianna](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Damkianna).

To Jaejoong, ‘patience’ used to be waiting for the blood bank nurses to have taken enough of his blood so he could get the cookie. Or waiting for the rice to finish cooking so he and the other members could eat or having to sit still and wait for the stylist and makeup noonas to finish with him. Or waiting for his sisters to finish using the shower so he could brush his teeth. And Jaejoong has eight sisters, all older than him, so really, he’s had a lifetime of practice and he thought he was pretty good at patience.

But that was before Jung Yunho. And he’s had to rethink a lot of things since meeting the other man, everything from what it is to be a hard worker _(because Jaejoong has always worked hard and gone after what he wants but he’s nothing compared to Yunho, who writes lyrics in his spare time and goes off to record all by himself without telling anyone and promotes for TVXQ and tries so hard to be a good leader and keep them all motivated and working well together and Jaejoong has no idea how he does it all but he does and never complains)_ all the way down to who Jaejoong even is _(someone who likes another man. Someone who likes_ Yunho _)_ so why should ‘patience’ be any different?

Because now ‘patience’ is waking up in the morning and seeing Yunho in the bed across the room, his face all smashed up against his pillow and his lips parted just a bit, and wanting to kiss him and knowing that he can’t because they share the dorm, not to mention the bedroom _(because they’re TVXQ so they do everything together, even sleep, and if they ever move again Jaejoong is going to have something to say about that, he really is)_ with three other people and so he has to wait until they get a moment alone later. ‘Patience’ is finding that moment and then having to wait some more because Yunho wants to tell him something or ask him about something and then Jaejoong has to stand there and listen and have a damn conversation when all he wants to do is wrap his arms around Yunho’s neck and suck his tongue into his mouth _(because he knows now what kissing Yunho is like and Yunho tastes amazing and his hair is soft between Jaejoong’s fingers and he_ does _pull Jaejoong close and then closer and Jaejoong still isn’t over the things that seems to do to him but he thinks he could happily spend all of his time kissing Yunho and never get tired of it)_. ‘Patience’ is finally, _finally_ , getting to the kissing, to Yunho’s hands on his back and his scent in Jaejoong’s nose, only to be called away again to get ready for practice or go to the recording studios or get dressed for a photo shoot. It’s spending the entire day wanting and only getting a few minutes of having only to fall into bed exhausted and _still not alone_ and knowing that the next day is probably going to be more of the same.

Patience, Jaejoong is learning, is something he’s actually very bad at.

And that’s not even the worst part. Because as hard as that is, it’s not like he didn’t know it was going to be that way. They’re idols, after all, busy schedules and a general lack of privacy just come with the territory, and sure, it’s frustrating, but he _can_ handle it, even if he doesn’t like it. No, the worst part is how, even in those rare moments when he and Yunho are alone, and for more than just a few minutes, Yunho seems determined to go slowly.

And that’s….. Well, Jaejoong thinks that probably Yunho just doesn’t want to push him and that’s sweet and all, Jaejoong appreciates that, or at least he appreciates the sentiment, but it’s been over two months and he’s getting tired of waiting. And, okay, so maybe the idea of going any further than they have already _does_ make him nervous and maybe he _isn’t_ sure what he is or isn’t ready for yet but he’s pretty sure that the only way he’s ever going to find out is if they actually try. And he knows Yunho so he knows that if he ever said ‘stop’ then Yunho absolutely would, would stop even if it killed him, so this whole ‘going slow’ thing? Yeah, Jaejoong’s pretty much run out of patience.

Trouble is, he’s not really sure how to speed things up. He’s not even all that sure what speeding things up would look like. Jaejoong isn’t innocent, exactly; he’s seen porn after all and even though that was all with women in it he’s pretty sure that the mechanics aren’t _that_ different. But he isn’t exactly experienced, either. In fact, out of all of the members, Jaejoong sometimes suspects that he’s actually the one who is least experienced, not because the others have vast amounts of sex or anything, or even any sex at all, because he’s pretty sure they haven’t, but they have had girlfriends. Recent girlfriends. The last relationship Jaejoong was in was in his first year of high school and mostly consisted of sitting with each other at lunch and holding hands at recess. And there were a few others before then and he’s kissed and been kissed a couple of times but Yunho is the first person where his actions have been based on desire rather than on the general sense that being in a relationship and holding hands and kissing a bit was just what people did — what he was _supposed_ to do. Supposed to _want_. So he’s not really sure how to be in a relationship. And he’s definitely not sure how to get one to progress beyond the hand-holding-and-some-kissing stage. He just knows that he wants to.

Only with Yunho being so careful and taking his sweet fucking time about it, Jaejoong might just have to take matters into his own hands.

  


When he wakes up alone — actually really alone; no Yoochun mumbling beside him, no Changmin snoring across from him, no Junsu cursing mournfully at the alarm, and no Yunho passed out on his back or trying to convince everyone that they’ll all feel more awake after some breakfast — he actually panics for a second. Partly because he hates to be alone and partly because he always worries about the others when they’re somewhere he can’t see them, but mostly because if he’s only just waking and everyone else is already up and gone then he must have slept right through his own alarm _(something he only ever does when he’s very sick; too much time on his own after he left home and before he became a trainee made him a horribly light sleeper, even with as exhausting as idol life tends to be)_ which must mean that he’s late — possibly very late — for whatever the hell it is that he has to do today. Only when he half-runs, half-tumbles into the kitchen, expecting one of the company hyungs there, waiting and furious, all he finds is Yunho, still in his pajamas and eating a bowl of cereal.

“Oh,” says Yunho, looking up at him and smiling around his mouthful of cereal. “I wondered how long you’d sleep. Since we have the day off I turned your alarm off and made everyone leave quietly so you could sleep more.”

Jaejoong’s knees actually give out at the combination of relief and embarrassment that those words produce and he drops to crouch right there on the floor. Of course, of course; they have the day off. How could he forget? It’s all anyone’s talked about for the last few weeks.

“Oh my god. Oh, that—” He laughs weakly, shaking his head and trying to hide his face behind his knees. “Ah, I woke up and no one was there and I thought—”

And now Yunho laughs too. “Did you forget? Ah, poor Jaejoongie, panicking and thinking he was late.”

“Aish, shut up! It’s your fault anyway for turning off my alarm.” Jaejoong pushes himself back to his feet, then goes to the cabinet and gets a bowl of his own and a spoon from the drawer. “And you’re eating my cereal again. Can’t you get your own?”

“I like yours,” says Yunho, grinning and passing him the box. And that smile still does things to Jaejoong’s stomach that he’s not used to and the words feel like maybe something more too _(so many things feel that way now)_ and Jaejoong likes it but he’s still not sure how to do this and he only just woke up so he just blushes slightly and looks down at his bowl and says, “Well, if you finish it, you better buy me some more,” before getting back up to get the milk from the fridge.

“Mm, I will, I will,” Yunho assures him distractedly, fiddling with something in his lap.

Jaejoong yawns, less awake now that his panic has abated. He pours milk into his bowl then plunks down to eat.

“Here,” says Yunho, bringing his hand back up to the table and sliding Jaejoong’s cell phone across to him. “I wasn’t actually sure I could turn it off so I just took it with me.”

“Thanks.” Jaejoong tucks the phone into his pocket. “What time is it, anyway? And where is everyone?”

“About nine. Junsu wanted to visit home. Changmin and Yoochun went with him. I think they’re hoping for a free meal. I don’t know what else they’re doing after that but they said not to worry if they’re not home to eat dinner with us.”

Jaejoong blinks and then swallows his mouthful of cereal very carefully. “Oh,” he says. And then, “Us? You aren’t going to visit your family?”

Yunho shakes his head. “I saw them at the beginning of the year. Besides, we only have today free. I thought we should spend it together.”

He’s smiling again; that honest, open smile that makes Jaejoong forget things, like what he’s doing or what he’s saying, and he’s serious; just the two of them. Alone. Together. For the whole day. No managers, no schedules, no makeup or stylist noonas, and no dongsaengs. Just him and Yunho.

Jaejoong’s insides do a strange sort of squirmy flip. That’s a whole lot of time and a whole lot of privacy and he’s not sure whether to be more excited or more nervous and yeah, he’s sick of being patient, but sitting around and thinking that maybe he needs to do something about that is one thing. Suddenly being faced with an actual opportunity to do it, though? That’s another. And, quite apart from that, a whole day together is a lot of time. What if they run out of things to do? Which has never happened before so it doesn’t make sense that it would now — being in a relationship shouldn’t subtract from the list of things they can do together, if anything it should add to it — but what if it does? What if they run out of things to do and everything just gets awkward? What if Jaejoong says or does something wrong or stupid and ruins everything? Which he might. He really, really might because he’s always been too comfortable around Yunho or at least he used to be and where in the hell did all this nervousness come from because he’s definitely never felt like this before; not with the fans, not with girls, and certainly not with Yunho.

“Or did you already have plans?” asks Yunho, and he actually looks mildly distressed at this thought, though Jaejoong isn’t sure why. “It’s fine, if you do. I know we don’t see our families much or anything and—”

“I didn’t even remember we had the day free, remember?” Jaejoong says. “How could I have made plans for a day I didn’t know to plan for?”

Yunho laughs a little. “I guess you couldn’t. But you might still want to visit your family or your friends from home.”

Jaejoong shakes his head. “Eight sisters is too many to catch up with in one day. Besides, I—” And he has said and done things far more embarrassing in the name of fan service, so why is telling Yunho that he would like to spend the day together too so much harder? “I—” He gives up. “Being here is, is good.”

And apparently that’s good enough because Yunho puts his chin in his hands and positively beams at him.

“I think so, too,” he says. “Ah, then what should we do? We can do whatever you want. We could go to a movie or maybe a restaurant. Or, maybe not; I don’t have that much money. But we could go somewhere. You know, like a proper date.”

And that sounds… well, actually Jaejoong’s not sure what that sounds. Or how Yunho can say all that without blushing. But mostly he’s not sure how he feels about Yunho offering to take him on a date. Because Yunho wanting to spend time with him, that he definitely likes, but there’s something else there, something he can’t quite pin down, can’t quite name, but it doesn’t quite feel right.

“That’s a bit dangerous,” he says. “If the fans see. But,” he adds, suddenly struck by a thought that he definitely likes (and that’s certainly far more appropriate and much less embarrassing than saying that what he thinks he wants is Yunho), “if we go out to the store I could make us something. We probably need more food anyway; I don’t think anyone’s bought food since last week and Changmin lives here.”

Yunho laughs and then scrunches up his face like he’s thinking about it _(and a face like that definitely shouldn’t be appealing in any way but honestly Jaejoong kind of finds it adorable, like he sometimes finds Yunho’s sleeping face adorable, and when the fuck did this become his life?)_.

“Hmm, would you make something normal spicy for me or do you only cook for your own crazy person tastes?”

“Spicier is better,” says Jaejoong, with absolute certainty. Because it is. Then he smiles. “But I guess if it’s for you I could tone it down a bit.”

Yunho blinks at him for a moment, like something surprised him or something, then he beams again.

“Ah, I’m honored,” he jokes _(jokes? Half-jokes? Jaejoong can’t tell)_. Then he stands up. “If we’re going out, I should shower. And get dressed,” he adds, grinning down at his worn-out t-shirt and ratty sweats. “I might give the fans a shock wearing something like this.”

Jaejoong thinks that probably a lot of the fans actually wouldn’t mind, but he’s not about to argue. He might tease Yunho during interviews about how he sleeps all spreadeagled and with his mouth hanging open, but the reality of what Yunho looks like in the morning, before he’s had time to try to look good, like an idol, is something Jaejoong would rather they never see. Something he kind of wants to keep all to himself. So he just hums agreement and goes back to his breakfast as Yunho heads back towards the bedroom, stretching and scratching at his side. But a second later he comes striding back.

“I forgot something,” he announces, stopping next to Jaejoong. And then he bends down and presses his lips to Jaejoong’s, apparently not caring about things like morning breath or cereal and Jaejoong is really glad he’s already finished swallowing his mouthful otherwise he probably would have choked on it.

“Good morning,” Yunho says softly, his fingers light on Jaejoong’s cheek and their faces still so close together. “I always want to do that, but I never get to.” And then his mouth is back and Jaejoong’s eyes fall shut and he leans in, tilting his head for a better angle and even with the cereal and the morning breath, this little taste of Yunho is still really, really good and he thinks it would probably be an awesome way to actually wake up in the morning.

Yunho smiles as he pulls back, hand staying at Jaejoong’s cheek for a moment before he turns and pads away, leaving Jaejoong to stare after him. And when he presses his fingers to his own lips, he finds the curve of an answering smile there.

“Good morning.”

  


The walk to the store isn’t short, but it isn’t that long either and they could have taken a bus and maybe they will once they actually have bags full of food to carry but at least for the way there they just walk. And it’s nice, it’s really nice; the sun is out and warm on their faces and the awkwardness that Jaejoong was afraid of melts away in the face of such nice weather and how good it feels to be free of their idol responsibilities, if only for a little while. Conversation comes and goes but the silence is never strained or uncomfortable and sometimes Yunho’s fingers brush against his and Jaejoong begins to think that maybe he was just being silly, having reservations about going on an actual date, and can grocery shopping be a date?

Probably not, he thinks, but it kind of feels like one. He thinks he likes it.

When they get to the store, Jaejoong grabs a basket and begins prowling the aisles, picking out the things that he wants for the jjigae he wants to make, while Yunho flits around, grabbing whatever random thing looks good or interesting to him. Which should probably annoy him — certainly it did when he used to shop with his sisters and Ahyoung and Sookjin were this disorganized about it — but Yunho finds things he wouldn’t. And most of it looks fine to Jaejoong and they do need food beyond just today so he doesn’t mind, though he does put his foot down when Yunho tries to talk him into getting a whole watermelon just because it looks good.

They walk back. Their bags aren’t that heavy and it’s still so nice out and maybe that’s why neither of them really wants to take the bus. Or maybe it’s because it’s a good way to get some exercise even on their day off, like Yunho says. Or maybe, maybe it’s because there’s a little stand on the way back with meat skewers and by now they’re both hungry so they stop. And Jaejoong’s chicken is definitely spicier than Yunho’s so they don’t swap bites but Yunho’s knee presses into Jaejoong’s thigh when they sit to eat and their shoulders brush when they walk and maybe Jaejoong was wrong. Maybe shopping can be a date after all.

  


After the chicken, neither one of them is hungry when they get back to the apartment, so they put the food in the fridge for later then crash on the couch to play video games. Jaejoong doesn’t mind video games but he never played them at home except for sometimes at friends’ houses so he’s not very good at them, more used to the mouse and keyboard of his computer than he is to the confusingly over-buttoned controllers that the gaming systems use. And video games always seem to devolve into something more violent anyways so it’s hardly any surprise when, after the second or third time that Yunho absolutely kicks his ass, their light shoving and jostling turns into something less restrained. Something a little more overt; one of Yunho’s legs thrown over Jaejoong’s lap and Jaejoong’s fingers digging into Yunho’s shoulder for leverage as he tries to knock the controller right out of Yunho’s hand. It’s nothing new. Just playing. Wrestling like any of the members so often do with each other.

Only when it suddenly stops — suddenly _changes_ — when Yunho ends up on his back with Jaejoong sprawled out on top of him, their legs tangled together and one of his hands clamped tight around Jaejoong’s forearm and his other wrist caught in Jaejoong’s own grip — when the room goes from filled with the sounds of their teasing; their laughing and yelping, to being so, so quiet, so that the only sound anymore is their breathing — when Yunho’s eyes as he looks at Jaejoong are suddenly so dark, so intense, that Jaejoong feels dizzy — that is new.

He’ll never know, even later he’ll never be able to say, which of them moves first. And honestly, it hardly matters. What matters is Yunho’s mouth on his, and the way he can feel Yunho’s heartbeat where their chests are pressed together. What matters is Yunho’s hands running up his arms, the fingers of one twining into his hair while the other slides down his back, and Jaejoong’s hands doing a little exploring of their own; clutching at his biceps, his shoulders. Stealing down to touch his sides and he can feel the muscles there even through Yunho’s shirt and _yes._ God, yes. This, _this,_ is what he wants. What he’s been wanting.

Yunho’s tongue darts out and licks at his lips and Jaejoong’s breath stutters a bit before he opens his mouth to let him in. And he can taste the chicken there and maybe also tiny hints of the toothpaste Yunho uses (although it’s probably just his imagination) and underneath it all is just _Yunho,_ warm and somehow new and familiar all at once and definitely still amazing. Maybe the most amazing. Definitely in the top ten of things Jaejoong has tasted, and he’s had some pretty amazing-tasting food.

Jaejoong runs a hand back up Yunho’s side to his shoulder, needing something to hold onto, and Yunho groans beneath him and the hand on Jaejoong’s back pulls tighter and their chests are pressed together and he can feel the muscles of Yunho’s abdomen hot against his belly and it’s so much, so good and still just not enough and Jaejoong shifts his hips. Just a little. Just enough. Enough to _feel._ Enough to press his erection into Yunho’s thigh between his legs—

And Yunho suddenly goes dead still.

And Jaejoong’s ability to think is definitely a little fuzzy right now, but not so fuzzy that he misses that. Not so fuzzy that it stops him from panicking. And Yunho is the one who started all this, the one who kissed Jaejoong first and the one who wanted to take him out on a date earlier today and the one who kissed him good-morning, and Jaejoong may have been going out of his mind with wanting but he assumed that it was the same for Yunho and what if it’s not? What if Jaejoong is the only one who’s been wondering what Yunho looks like with no shirt on (because he’s seen Yunho topless before but he never took the time to _notice_ before so it doesn’t really count) or what Yunho’s hands would feel like on his bare skin. The only one who sometimes catches himself fantasizing weird things in the dead of night and can’t decide which is stronger; the wanting or the shame _(for the fantasies, for wanting things that everyone says are wrong, for even wanting at all and he knows it’s probably stupid. That the wanting is normal, even if wanting another man maybe isn’t, but he can’t seem to help the way it still feels like something a bit wrong)_. What if Yunho likes him, wants to be _something_ with him — something more than just friends — but not this?

Only when he pulls back to look at Yunho, at his flushed face and his dark, dark eyes and dilated pupils, it changes the way their bodies fit together and he can suddenly feel Yunho against his right leg and he’s every bit as hard as Jaejoong is — maybe harder — so that can’t be the problem (probably. He hopes).

“Did — did I — is something wrong?” and he hardly even recognizes the sound of his own voice, the mixture of husky and breathless and panic making it come out entirely strange.

Yunho looks startled and he shakes his head. “No, it’s not that, it’s just — Jae, we don’t have to do this. I mean, this isn’t — this isn’t _why.”_

Oh. Jaejoong blinks. Is that the problem?

“I know that,” he says. “I know it’s not. But it is, I mean it’s — I want—” And he can’t. He just can’t. Yunho kissed him first and Yunho is always the one who hugs him, the one who reaches out to pull Jaejoong along with him in his fun and his silliness and Jaejoong has always been good at going after what he wants but for some reason this thing with Yunho makes him so fucking shy and he just can’t. He drops his head onto Yunho’s chest. “God, I don’t know how to do this.”

“We don’t have to,” Yunho says again. “It’s kind of fast anyw—”

“No! That’s not it.” And, goddammit, why are the words so hard to say?

Yunho strokes his hair. Just a little. Just down his neck and onto his back. And it’s soothing and he hates that it’s soothing. That he needs to be soothed over something so tiny and it’s the push he needs to say something more constructive.

“If I’d wanted you to stop I would have said so,” he informs Yunho’s chest. And Yunho’s fingers are playing absently with the ends of his hair but there it is again; that same unnatural stillness that was there when all this started. When Jaejoong told him to wait.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Didn’t I just say I have no idea what I’m doing?” Jaejoong snaps, maybe a little harsher than he means to but this might actually be the awkwardest conversation he’s ever had and it’s still so embarrassing and he’s still not sure how to handle all of this, still not sure what to do with the intensity of the feelings inside of him and he can’t quite help it.

Yunho is quiet for a moment, still toying with Jaejoong’s hair, and then, “Me either,” he admits.

Jaejoong frowns and peeks up at him from his hiding spot in Yunho’s chest. It hadn’t actually occurred to him that that might be part of this. That maybe Yunho hasn’t been going slow for Jaejoong’s sake but rather because he’s uncertain too. That maybe he doesn’t know how this works any better than Jaejoong does.

Jaejoong lifts his head, and he’s not sure if the thing he’s seeing in Yunho’s eyes is the question Jaejoong is answering or the answer he was looking for, but it’s there. Whatever or whichever it is, it’s there. And Jaejoong thinks that’s enough.

“So you’ll have to say,” Yunho says seriously, his eyes flicking between Jaejoong’s eyes and his mouth. “You’ll have to tell me if — if—” but the rest of the words are lost as Jaejoong lunges forward.

If he thought it was intense before it’s nothing compared to how it is now. That conversation may have been awkward — may have actually made Jaejoong want to die a little with how embarrassing it was — but maybe it needed to happen. Maybe they both need to know, to hear it said out loud, even in such a convoluted form, that this _is_ what they want. Where they’re heading.

And, fuck, Jaejoong feels like they can’t possibly get there soon enough. He _wants_ and he kisses Yunho with all the fierceness of that want and their teeth click together by mistake but Jaejoong doesn’t even care because Yunho’s tongue is dragging across the roof of his mouth and his hands are sliding up under Jaejoong’s shirt to splay across the bare skin of his back and he would never have thought he would be so sensitive in either spot but apparently he is because _wow_.

The sound isn’t one he means to make. It isn’t even one he’s aware of making until its already rattling it’s way out of his throat, stuttery and _needy_ and with no consistent pitch — quite possibly the least manly sound he’s ever made. Which is totally embarrassing and Jaejoong has half a mind to hide in Yunho’s chest again and maybe never come out except Yunho makes a sound of his own. Something deep, deep in his chest; almost but not quite a grunt. And then there’s no time to be embarrassed because one of Yunho’s hands drops down to grip his thigh and he brings one of his knees up, knocking into Jaejoong’s ass to push him forward. The fingers that were in his hair before return, only this time they grab and then yank, tugging in rhythm with the tongue thrusting into his mouth and the hips suddenly churning beneath his.

Any lingering doubts that Jaejoong might have had about it only being him who wanted this race away as Jaejoong once again finds himself having to redefine ‘intensity.’ He had not realized, hadn’t had the slightest idea, just how careful Yunho had been being. How much he had been holding back. Because they’ve made out some before now and that was good, but it was nothing, _nothing_ , like this, all teeth and tongues and Yunho’s hands suddenly just everywhere and it’s all Jaejoong can do to keep up.

But if Yunho isn’t holding back anymore then Jaejoong doesn’t have to either.

So when Yunho’s hands slide around to his stomach and then sweep up his chest and Jaejoong shivers and has to pull back and gasp for air, it seems like a natural segue. Yunho makes a small sound of protest when Jaejoong pulls his mouth away but he doesn’t try to stop him and Jaejoong is glad because as amazing as all this is _(and it’s very,_ very _amazing)_ he’s had two months — more than that, really, if he’s honest about it — to think about this and he might not know what he’s doing but he definitely wants more than just frantic kisses and a rush towards pleasure. He also wants to touch. To taste.

Yunho’s neck has always been kind of sexy; long without being delicate and lightly corded through with muscle _(and Yunho seems to be made of these kinds of contradictions; his hands: beautiful and slender yet large and so strong. His neck. Even the way he leads: so subtle sometimes, but still so clearly and unquestionably the leader)_ and Jaejoong bends down and attaches his mouth there, licking up that small stretch of muscle. Marveling at the way it flexes and strains beneath his tongue as Yunho twists beneath him, angling his head to give him better access. And there’s a spot on his neck, just below his jaw, just next to his throat, that’s soft. It’s like an invitation and Jaejoong doesn’t stop to think, just attaches his lips there and sucks.

The sound Yunho makes is high and choked and made mostly of air rather than voice. And it’s nothing like any of the sounds Jaejoong has ever heard people making in movies or porn; in fact, it’s nothing like any sound he’s ever heard anyone make ever. But it’s raw and it’s real and even though it shouldn’t be sexy _(because it’s nothing like Jaejoong has ever heard sexy described as before)_ Jaejoong could swear he can feel it all the way to his fingernails.

When he goes to unbutton Yunho’s shirt, he can feel the change. The sudden not-still-stillness. And it’s confusing for a moment until he remembers how Yunho prefers to wear loose shirts and how even back when they were trainees he would sometimes catch his friend in the locker rooms poking at his own chest but only ever when he thought he was alone.

Yunho is trim, toned like all of them are, but whether he works out or not, the pecs are always there. Jaejoong has always been a bit jealous of that; he can build muscle and gain definition if he wants to but he’s pretty sure no matter what he does he’ll never look like that. But he knows, even if Yunho has never said anything, that Yunho is self-conscious about it. That he worries that maybe it’s not right, somehow, not what a man is supposed to look like.

Which is completely stupid because Yunho is perfect and probably the most handsome of all of the members _(although Jaejoong supposes he could be biased)_ but saying that won’t make Yunho believe it. And he doesn’t want to make Yunho uncomfortable, but he does’t want to stop either. Doesn’t want to not touch just because Yunho thinks there might be something wrong with his body. Besides, Yunho already pushed Jaejoong’s shirt up around his armpits somewhere in all of this and Jaejoong isn’t complaining even though he’s pretty sure his own body still looks more like a gawky teenager’s than a man’s.

He moves his mouth experimentally to Yunho’s ear and tongues the small stud there that Yunho wears to sleep in. He’s rewarded with a sharp intake of breath and some of the tension in Yunho’s body bleeds away — or at least goes somewhere else. Somewhere better. So Jaejoong pulls Yunho’s earlobe, earring and all, into his mouth and sucks, hard, while his fingers make quick work of the rest of the buttons.

And then nothing else matters because _skin._ Warm, smooth skin right beneath his fingertips and the only possible explanation for how he’s managed to wait this long to touch it, to feel the strange combination of soft skin and hard muscle of Yunho’s body, is that he didn’t know. Didn’t have the faintest idea how good it would feel.

He groans and slides down, Yunho’s hands dragging against the skin of his own back as he does _(and why he is still wearing his shirt at all is beyond him but he doesn’t have time to remove it just now)_ , and then, driven by nothing more than instinct and desire, he drops his mouth to the muscles in Yunho’s abdomen. It’s every bit as fascinating as the cording in Yunho’s neck was; the way they jump and twitch under his tongue, how he can feel Yunho’s whole body clench when he sucks a spot beneath his ribs.

“Ja-a-ae!” And Jaejoong nearly comes in his pants right there at the sound of Yunho’s voice half-screaming, half-growling his name. Fingers fist in his hair and drag him back up and Yunho claims his mouth and what little breath he has left, and those hands are everywhere again; his back, his shoulders, his stomach. Yunho’s mouth slides down his neck to his collarbones and he’s pretty sure he actually whimpers when Yunho sucks there, heat pooling in his belly with an intensity that would terrify him if it didn’t feel so fucking good and he’s not even sure when his hands started working Yunho’s pants open but he doesn’t let himself stop to think about it, instead just shoves a hand inside his boxers and grabs hold.

Yunho’s cock in his hand is both strange and familiar; like and unlike his own. And he definitely doesn’t know how to do this, has no idea what he’s doing, but he feels Yunho’s gasp against his shoulder as his fingers close and the way his hips buck up into his hand when he strokes and maybe that’s all he needs. Yunho buries his face in Jaejoong’s neck, panting and moaning and when he comes he says Jaejoong’s name again, voice cracking through about three octaves and Jaejoong thinks it might be the hottest thing he’s ever heard. Yunho is definitely the hottest thing he’s ever _seen_ , with his flushed and sweaty face and his eyes glazed over and Jaejoong almost forgets about his own erection, still trapped in his definitely too-tight pants.

Or at least he does until Yunho pulls them open and closes a hand around him, sucking a little sloppily at his clavicle and Jaejoong would be embarrassed about the noise he makes except he’s too busy going cross-eyed and holding onto Yunho’s shoulders for dear life as Yunho strokes him to the best orgasm of his life _(so far, anyway)_.

When he comes back to himself he’s lying limp against Yunho’s chest, Yunho’s fingers once again playing with his hair. He feels exhausted; wrung out and floppy, like his bones are made of liquid. It feels amazing.

Yunho is trying to ask him something. And it takes a minute, maybe more than a minute, for him to get the words to make it from his ears to his brain.

“Jae? You okay?”

And that seems like the stupidest question on earth but Yunho is asking so he must need to know. So Jaejoong hums and nods.

“You sure?” Yunho presses and maybe he’s worried because Jaejoong is being so quiet so he says, “‘M sure. ‘M _awesome_. _You’re_ awesome. _Everything’s_ awesome. What the hell took you so long?”

And Jaejoong has very little ability to watch what he says, and he knows that about himself so he’s usually very careful, or at least he tries to be, but apparently sex _(was that sex? Did that count as sex? He thinks it probably does even if it was only hand jobs because it definitely didn’t just feel like hand jobs.)_ makes it even worse because he did not mean to say that, he definitely didn’t, even if he is kind of thinking it because Yunho is right; it isn’t _why_ , and it’s still only been a few months and maybe Yunho was right and this is too fast, too soon, even if they did both want it and _god_ that was his first time and—

And Yunho bursts out laughing, hard and loud, his head dropping back against the arm of the couch then rolling back up again as he winds an arm around Jaejoong’s neck and rubs a fist in his hair.

“You—! You—!” he gasps, shaking his head.

“Shut up,” Jaejoong groans, ducking his head against Yunho’s chest. “I didn’t — I didn’t mean—” But Yunho is still laughing.

“You— I was trying to be a gentleman, you know. So sorry to keep you waiting.”

“Shut up,” Jaejoong tries again. “Oh my god, just shut up, I didn’t mean—”

“God, you — I — I love you so fucking much.”

Jaejoong’s head snaps up at that. And Yunho’s laughter cuts off abruptly, his expression freezing and something almost like panic taking up residence in his eyes. Like he didn’t mean for that to come out. Not now. Not yet.

Jaejoong looks up at Yunho, at his familiar face and dark eyes and he’s everything, _everything_ Jaejoong wants and did he really just say that? Did he really mean that?

“I — yeah?” he asks, and his voice comes out so much quieter, so much shyer than he means it to but there’s something that might be his own heart currently lodged in his throat so he can’t really help it.

Yunho sucks his lower lip into his mouth and his expression does something weird, like nervous lip-biting mixing with something maybe a smile. Something maybe a little bit tender. Something that makes Jaejoong’s breath catch.

“Yeah,” he whispers, one hand coming up to smooth the hair back from his face a little. To trace a finger down his cheek. “Yeah.”

And it’s so much, and Jaejoong can’t — _needs—_

Kissing Yunho feels like breathing. Which makes absolutely no sense at all, but it does. And it’s different, too, this time; not chaste like at first or heated like earlier or even sweet like that morning. This is something entirely different. Entirely new. And it makes Jaejoong’s chest tighten in a way that has nothing to do with lust and everything to do with _Yunho._

“I — I — me, too.” And the words are still really hard to say. Feel so corny, so small compared to the swell of feeling inside him; so overwhelming he sometimes thinks he might drown in it. But they’re important words. So he says them anyway. “I love you, too.”

Yunho’s smile is small, and maybe a little bit shy. But it’s warm and happy and full of something Jaejoong doesn’t even have words for and he winds his arms around Jaejoong’s shoulders. Tugs him just a little bit closer. And that makes it worth saying.

  


It’s at least an hour, maybe more than that _(maybe a lot more than that)_ , before either of them moves again. And that’s strange to Jaejoong because although he likes hugs and _closeness_ , although he tolerates a lot in the name of fan service, he’s never really been huge on people trying to hold onto him. Trying to hold him. Because he doesn’t want them thinking that he needs that. Thinking that he needs _them._ Except that Yunho _does_ hold him, and Jaejoong could pull away if he wanted to and Yunho would let him, he absolutely would, but instead he just lays there. And he needs a shower and a change of clothes and the others will eventually come back, he knows that. And somehow, he still finds himself thinking that if Yunho never let go of him, that might be okay.

But eventually, as the post-orgasm haze starts to clear and Jaejoong starts to feel less like overcooked ramyun, his body remembers that it’s hungry. And he doesn’t really want to deal with the embarrassment of having his stomach growl so loudly that even Yunho can hear it so he sighs and says, “We should probably get cleaned up and make dinner, in case any of the others do come back early.”

Yunho makes a face somewhere between a grimace and a pout. “I suppose,” he says, though he makes no move to let Jaejoong go. “Are you still cooking or are you too tired?”

“No, I want to,” Jaejoong says. “Though,” he adds, shooting a look up and Yunho and feeling that strange combination of shy and bold, “if I were too tired it would definitely be your fault.”

Yunho’s eyes widen in surprise, and he starts to laugh again. Jaejoong grins and blushes and doesn’t know what to do so he buries his face in Yunho’s chest again, rubbing his nose against bare skin and enjoying the smell of him.

“Ah, I don’t want to move,” he confesses.

“Me either,” says Yunho, “but you’re right; we should. Getting caught would not be good. You shower first, I’ll make sure things are clean out here. And then I can’t somehow ruin the jjigae while you shower if I went first.”

Jaejoong has to agree there. He may be the band’s best cook more by default than by than anything else, but he’s not _bad_ and at least he knows what he’s doing in the kitchen. The others are all varying levels of disaster and Yunho could probably burn water if he tried hard enough. He groans, then slides out of Yunho’s arms and levers himself to his feet.

“What about the laundry?” he asks as he pads over to the set of drawers that are his and grabs a change of clothes.

“It’s my turn this week anyway,” Yunho replies, sitting up and grimacing at the mess of his own clothes, “it’ll be fine. And I think the couch isn’t too bad either,” he adds, glancing around him.

“Oh. Uh. Good.” And what the hell is Jaejoong supposed to do with a conversation like this? And sure, an hour or so ago they were happily making that mess and Jaejoong is still really glad they did but when he fantasized and then even when he was deciding, he kind of forgot about things like clean-up and it’s not exactly awkward but it’s not exactly anything else either so what—? But Yunho is being very matter-of-fact about it so, okay, he can handle that. Just be practical, right?

“Maybe next time we should try putting down a sheet.”

Yunho’s mouth drops open and he turns to stare at Jaejoong and then the words catch up with his own ears and—

“Ah, no! I didn’t — I mean — I —” He’s almost sure every single drop of blood in his body is making its way to his face and there’s pretty much only one option here guaranteed to keep him from saying anything even more embarrassing so he takes it: he grabs a towel and bolts for the shower.

  


He takes a little bit longer than he maybe actually needs. Normally none of them take very long showers, because there’s five of them and only the one shower and they always have schedules anyway so there isn’t really time. But it’s their day off and the others aren’t even here so Jaejoong figures he can indulge himself this once, standing there even after he’s clean and just letting the hot water wash over him.

When he gets out, the living room is mercifully clean — the only evidence at all of what they might have been doing the controllers left on the table by the couch, and that’s perfectly innocuous — and Yunho is in the kitchen, changed and pulling out pots and the cutting board.

“Your turn,” Jaejoong says, stepping in to take over.

“Okay. You want any help getting set up or…?”

“The last thing we need is for you to mess this up before I even get started,” Jaejoong teases.

“Aish, you have no faith in me.”

“I have every faith in you,” Jaejoong retorts. “If anyone could ruin this that fast, it would be you.”

“Junsu is worse.”

“Yes, but he knows better than to try. Go shower or I’m making this as spicy as I want.”

Yunho laughs. “Ah, okay, okay. Spare my taste buds, would you?”And then he’s gone, leaving Jaejoong to his ingredients. And it’s nice; to just work in the kitchen, the only sound the chop of the blade or the hiss of water as it comes to a boil.

Jaejoong learned to cook at home from his mother and his sisters, but when he left home he learned more, working odd jobs and having to feed himself. It was useful and also comforting, to do something that reminded him of home. Something simple and good for himself; something where he could see the the results of what he had worked on right there in front of him. And Jaejoong loves food and hates to eat alone and likes having something he can do to look after his dongsaengs (and Yunho. Always Yunho) so doing the cooking suits him just fine. Actually makes him really kind of happy. Makes him feel useful. Makes him feel at home.

He’s humming by the time Yunho gets out of the shower so he doesn’t hear the other man come back. Doesn’t realize he’s there until Yunho is suddenly right behind him, slipping his arms around Jaejoong’s waist and humming along in harmony.

And again with the holding. And again with the not minding. With the kind of liking.

The tune is one that Jaejoong has been working on and he didn’t write that harmony but it sounds good and even more than that he’s kind of really pleased that Yunho noticed what he was working on. Noticed it enough to be able to add to it. And if any of the others did that, he would probably be a bit angry. A bit annoyed that they had tried to butt in on something that was his. But with Yunho it doesn’t feel that way.

“I like that,” he says as the tunes closes. “Could I use that? Or maybe a variation of that? Would you mind?”

“You like it?” says Yunho, breath tickling against Jaejoong’s neck _(which is completely unfair when Jaejoong is trying to concentrate on the jjigae and Yunho is fresh out of the shower and he smells so good)_. “I wasn’t sure if you would. Of course you can use it; change it any way you like. It’s for you, after all.”

Jaejoong stops stirring. Because that’s — that’s —

“Writing music for me already? Aish, you’re so embarrassing.” And it is embarrassing. Really, really embarrassing. But also something else. Something huge that makes Jaejoong’s insides squirm but in a way that kind of feels really good. And he ducks his chin and butts his forehead sideways against Yunho’s cheek.

“Ah, I have to earn my keep somehow, don’t I?” says Yunho. And the words are teasing but his arms tighten around Jaejoong’s waist and Jaejoong can feel the smile there against his ear and, yeah, he definitely likes this.

“Oh. Do I get to keep you, then?” he teases back. Except it’s not really a joke. And he thinks maybe he knows the answer, but he still wants to hear it anyway.

Yunho shifts behind him, hooking his chin over Jaejoong’s shoulder as he goes back to stirring the jjigae.

“I think — I think maybe that’s up to you,” he says slowly and his tone is more serious than Jaejoong anticipated and he’s not sure if that’s really an answer. Or, if it is then, if it’s the one he wanted.

There’s silence for a moment and then, “But,” Yunho says, and now he’s mumbling a bit, the words muffled slightly by Jaejoong’s shoulder. “But I…I was kind of hoping you might.”

And they’ve kissed and held hands and now they’ve even had sex _(or something close enough)_ and traded ‘I love you’s but that— That’s— That’s kind of really saying something.

And he can’t see Yunho’s face from here and even if he could he’s not sure he could hold his gaze just now. And he’s still stirring the jjigae. But he drops his free hand down to where Yunho’s arms are still wrapped around him and finds one of his hands and laces their fingers together.

“Well,” he says, “I guess someone has to put up with my crazy-person spicy cooking. And I could always use help with the dishes.”

Yunho squeezes his fingers. Hard.

“I don’t mind doing the dishes,” he says.

“Good,” says Jaejoong. “Because I make a lot of dishes.”

Behind him, Yunho laughs a little. “You do, I’ve noticed. You always say you just like to cook, but sometimes I think maybe you just like us to have to work in exchange for the meal.”

“Ah! How cruel,” says Jaejoong, and the banter is a nice break from the emotions that were starting to run so thick inside of him, coating his throat and making everything just a little bit harder — a little bit too much. “How can you think that. Really, I’m just looking out for my members; if I didn’t make you work for it you’d all just get fat off my cooking.”

“Oh, so it’s like that,” says Yunho, nodding sagely over his shoulder. “I see, I see. What a kind hyung, to look after his dongsaengs so diligently.”

Jaejoong smiles, then moves back to the counter to cut up the rest of the vegetables, Yunho shuffling around behind him.

“Are you just going to stay there? If you burn yourself on the stove because you were too busy hugging me, I won’t feel bad for you.”

“Hmm, I’ll be careful,” Yunho says, turning his head to press his nose into Jaejoong’s neck. “I like it here.”

“Yunho—”

“You smell nice.” Yunho murmurs the words right against his skin and it is way, way too long after to be still experiencing aftershocks, it definitely is, so he’s not quite sure what just happened but he’s pretty sure that feeling hot and tense and shaky all over is _not_ a normal reaction to a sentence like that.

“What—” he starts, but Yunho nuzzles his neck some more and then mouths gently at his ear and Jaejoong’s fingers clench around the handle of the knife as he hisses and arches his neck a little, unsure even in his own mind if he’s trying to pull away or just give Yunho a better target area because this is really not the time but still…

“Here,” he says, dropping the knife _(probably a good idea anyway)_ and grabbing the spoon out of the pot. “Taste this.”

Yunho raises his head and opens his mouth.

“It’s not done yet,” Jaejoong says as he feeds Yunho the bit of broth and tries not to think too hard about that _(and maybe he’s babbling a little but it’s only a little and he does want to make sure Yunho likes it and is every-damn-thing just going to be like this now? Getting physical was supposed to make this easier, not harder_ ~~ _god, harder. fuck_~~ _)_ , “but you can at least tell if it’s too spicy or not.”

“It’s very good,” says Yunho, swallowing and licking his lips. “Are you sure it’s not done?”

“Positive,” says Jaejoong and he gestures at the cutting board. “All this still has to go in.”

“Perfectionist,” Yunho teases, rubbing his nose in Jaejoong’s neck again and—

“Would you stop that?” Jaejoong snaps. “Aish, I thought you didn’t want to ruin the jjigae.”

“I haven’t touched it,” says Yunho, and he actually sounds confused. Like he doesn’t know he’s driving Jaejoong insane.

“No, you just won’t stop touching me.” And, okay, now he’s blushing again.

“Ah, am I distracting?” He sounds surprised now, and maybe a little smug _(bastard)_ , and it’s definitely deliberate this time when he returns his mouth to Jaejoong’s neck.

“You ass,” Jaejoong says, laughing and turning around to push Yunho away. “I said—” Only his body seems to have confused ‘push away’ with ‘pull closer’ because suddenly they’re kissing again, Yunho’s hands warm on his back and Jaejoong’s fingers sliding through Yunho’s damp hair.

“No,” he manages to say several long moments later when he actually gets himself together enough to push Yunho away for real. And Yunho fucking pouts at him.

“No?”

“No,” says Jaejoong, as firmly as he can in the face of that stupid pout. “This is not — we are not doing this now. I am making jjigae and then we’re eating dinner and waiting for the others to get back.”

Yunho huffs and makes a face. “We need more days off.”

Jaejoong nods, agreeing whole-heartedly. “This is going to be more difficult than I thought. Why the hell do we all sleep in the same room?”

Yunho laughs and runs a thumb along Jaejoong’s hip. “We’ll find a way.”

“We’d better,” Jaejoong mutters, blushing and glowering at the floor.

“Maybe we’ll move again,” says Yunho hopefully.

“I doubt it, but the bathroom locks, I guess.” And there’s a moment, and then Jaejoong realizes what he just said and all he meant is that it’s a room where they could grab a few minutes alone, he swears it is, but—

“Oh my god!” Yunho is laughing again, grabbing at Jaejoong’s shoulders and leaning helpless against him.

Jaejoong’s face is on fire. He’s pretty sure he could finish cooking the jjigae on it if he wanted to. “Shut up.”

But Yunho is still laughing. “Oh— you — the things you say! I swear I will never get over it. God!” He shakes his head. “I love you. I really do.”

And Jaejoong has no idea what to say to that, or to the way Yunho is smiling at him, like maybe he’s found the best thing in the world _(like maybe that thing is Jaejoong)_ , so instead he just blushes some more and grumbles, “Get out of my kitchen. I’m working.”

  


It doesn’t take long for the jjigae to finish cooking. Jaejoong turns off the stove and carefully picks up the pot while Yunho grabs them some chopsticks. They don’t always use the table when all five of them aren’t there, often opting to eat on the couch and watch tv or sometimes vanishing with their food into their workrooms to play on the internet or keep working on a tune _(and Jaejoong never complains about that because he gets it, he does, but he really does hate to eat alone even if it’s just him and one other person. Which is probably silly but he had so many meals alone after he left home and he never thought, when he left, that it would make such a big difference, but it did — it does — and he’ll never take it for granted again. Having someone, anyone, to share a meal with.)_ but Yunho sets a hot-plate on the table for the pot and when Jaejoong sits down on the bench-seat, Yunho sits down right next to him. Close enough for their knees to touch. For their shoulders to jostle a bit as they eat.

And the apartment isn’t that new; they’ve been here for while now. Long enough that it doesn’t just feel like a place anymore. That it’s started to feel more like a home. But this, sitting with Yunho and sharing jjigae, squabbling over who gets the best pieces of meat, laughing at their dongsaengs, who don’t make it back in time to have any _(not that they would have shared anyway)_ , this might be the most like home the place has ever felt to Jaejoong.


End file.
